feedback welcome...writing some lyrics

snarf

making guitars wish they were still trees
I decided recently I wanted to try my hand at writing some songs. So I've been toying around with lyrics. Here's the first one I've gotten to a point that I wasn't just completely embarrassed to post. So I thought I'd throw it out here and see what the pros think. The quadruplets follow an AABB pattern. The song follows an AABAB pattern. What can I do to make it better?

Simpler times have long since been gone
It's cars and a big house and “just one more loan”
That means I’ve the look now so everyone thinks
Got it made in the shade and that we’ll never sink

The boat on its wheels in the driveway just clutters
No gas for the gas tank, the engine it sputters
But everyone thinks I can head to the lake
When I know my money the bills all will take

So I sit here and mope got the no money blues
Yes I’m over my head can’t afford this dang ruse
Got the car and the house wear the fanciest shoes
While I sit here and mope got the no money blues

I went to my banker and asked for some aid
No loan will they give me I need to get paid
So living the life has now come to an end
The piper’s come calling and he’s not my friend

So I sit here and mope got the no money blues
Yes I’m over my head can’t afford this dang ruse
Got the car and the house wear the fanciest shoes
While I sit here and mope got the no money blues
 

JestMe

Student Of The Blues
Well done, I say.

I've tried to write lyrics and it ain't easy

I once heard a story about a songwriting course where each student was to write lyrics everyday... the tone of the story suggested that it was very difficult at first, people were searching for deep thoughts and profound things to say until finally in frustration they abandoned the deep thoughts ideas and just wrote simple things... an example, though not from that class, were lyrics along the lines of ... Wish I was a Kellogg corn flake, sitting in my bowl taking movies.... from Simon & Garfunkel

Anyway great job!
 

blackcoffeeblues

Student Of The Blues
Dave; That is really good:thumbup::thumbup::thumbup: Just keep singing it over and over in your head and sooner or later the chord progression will pop in your head.

J.M.; I like your line too. "Kellogg Corn flake" . That's about as original as it gets.:)
.
 

BigMike

Blues Oldie
Those are good words, the music will come, sometimes takes time. The majority of mine I do the music first but I have had a few where I came up with some lyrics first.
 

Many Moons

Biking+Blues=Bliss
Those lyrics are fine. Switch a mic on some time, and sit with your guitar and mull over a few ideas. You never know what you'll come up with.
 

dvs

Green Mountain Blues
Snarf didn't mention "stage fright" or voice anxiety, but if you have trouble singing into a mic, that's a problem worth solving. Turn it on and work with it (i.e., practice) until it feels normal.

As for Snarf's tune, that's a nice set of lyrics! I think some chords might be next.
 
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